1. Watch Wuthering Heights with Juliette Binoche and Ralph Fiennes (this movie is so bad, and the characters so pathetic, that you will automatically feel better).
2. Bake brownies, slather them in ice cream, and eat as many as you can. You will feel guilty and disgusted with yourself. Wallow in it.
3. Make a paperdoll of yourself and design the ugliest clothes imaginable for your paperdoll self to wear.
4. Make a fairy godmother paperdoll who grants your paperdoll self three wishes. Make the most extravagant and outrageous wishes you can think of.
5. Paint a picture of your paperdoll self reaping the benefits of her three granted wishes.
6. Pick a room in your home that will be your depression room. Paint it black (including the windows) and cover the floor with a black rug.
7. Put on the most depressing music you own and choreograph your own depression dance, using slow, exaggerated movements.
8. Dress entirely in black. If you don’t have black underwear and a black bra, buy them.
9. Dye your hair black to outwardly manifest your inner darkness.
10. Stay in bed all day; don’t even bother to get up and go pee.
11. Call in sick at work and surf the Internet for information on antidepressant medication.
12. Send yourself a card or postcard with the message, “So you’re still depressed? Snap out of it! Think of the starving children in Africa.”
13. Go to the library and check out only books on depression. Read them until a) you know everything you ever wanted to know about depression, or b) you get sick of the subject and begin craving comic books.
14. Send yourself a sympathy bouquet and a card that reads, “I’m so sorry. About everything.”
15. Start a depression journal. Write only about dark, disturbing things.
16. Have a depression slumber party. Invite the most depressed people you know, and have a contest for who has the most depressing life. Winner gets to sit and mope silently in another room.
17. Adopt a hopeless cause.
18. Make a list of ambitious projects that you can’t possibly complete.
19. Mourn your failed romances by building a tiny altar with photos or mementos of each lost love, then setting them on fire. Be sure to wail and gnash your teeth while doing so.
20. Pick a random day to honor your patron saint of depression. This person can be real or fictional, as long as they truly represent a human in the depths of complete and total despair.
© creat1ve11 2010